Tag Archives: elderly care

Dreaming of Beauty…

I look up to the woman before me. With wide eyes I see such beauty.  Her textured hands full of beauty and grace, the small black watch fitted over elegant lifted wrist bones. She smiles at me and it reaches her eyes.  The wrinkles in perfect form on either side of her mouth.  She laughs and it fills my soul. I know behind that laugh is beauty.  It is strength.  It is long searched for and missed in its absence.  It’s her eyes though.  The beauty and strength that show in each and every burst of bright wide blue light.  The presence of love in every tiny pixel.

It’s her hair.  Fixed or unkempt but her color makes me feel joy.  Even when the roots grow a little long, I don’t see them, I just see her and just how she wishes her hair looked every single day.  She has the perfect figure.  It’s soft at times but her hugs are magic.  Healing…happy..wonder. She is class.  She’s beautiful.  Like a magic star in a unicorn sky.  She…the most beautiful woman in the world.  One day…I hope..I pray…I wish…I believe…I can be just like her.

How I feel about my Momma.

How my daughter feels about me.

Genetics are strong…so is love….

Why doesn’t our vision stay the same, unmasked, untainted when focused inward?

Hoping to see what my daughter sees…for me…for my mom…for my daughter…to show her that today and always she is beautiful. A magic star in a unicorn sky.



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With Thanks

With Thanksgiving on the horizon I have been making a conscious effort to feel and think all of the many things that I am thankful for.  There are so many things to be thankful for.

I recently heard for the first time a song by Jewel that says:

I am my father’s daughter, he has his mother’s eyes
I am the product of such sacrifice
I am the accumulation
of the dreams of generations
And their stories run in me, like Holy Water
I am my father’s daughter

View Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GK8oI4Dx8DY

I have had a very hard year.  A year where I found one man standing.  One man, only one human being on this planet that can look me in the eye and say, “I’m glad you are mine.”  I had so many before.  So many that I felt their force so strongly in my life.  A life energy that kept me pressing on to do and be a better person.  It feels quite lonely knowing that now, there is only one.  (even though he is a mighty man and I am so blessed)

And in the loss I have searched for and have found joy.  Sometimes in the places that I least expected it, and sometimes I found it missing in those I would have thought I would surely find it.  I’m learning everyday.  Learning how much it matters to make an active positive impact on others.

Today I am overwhelmingly thankful for those who have done that for me.  The people in my life that make me feel home and connected.  I now have my very own tree with very strong roots. I am thankful for those roots, still present, still strong.  Some living their lives so wonderfully that they bring life and energy to them all.  I am thankful for the roots at the base of our family tree.  Both from my side and my better other half.

I have a very good man to help build the tree and hold it steadfast and strong.  We are solid and strong, connected in support, love and trust. My heart is overwhelmed with thanks.

And my sidekicks, those branches, I’m watching them grow. So amazing. Such joy! I am so thankful.

Sometimes, In the strongest of winds, we will bend ever so slightly in need and find ourselves, our tree, being supported and secured by the family trees around us, that branch from our same roots. Together our trees are strong, together we are a forest.  I am thankful for them too.

I am thankful for the sun, and the water.  That feeds and nourishes our forest and our souls. I am thankful for God and his blessings.

With all of this to be thankful for and so much more, I take moments to listen to the air around me, the whispers in the wind, the stories in my veins and I can’t help but feel, if only I could hear the right wavelengths, there would be voices all around me saying, “I’m so glad your mine, go and do good things, bring joy to others, and share my stories(love),” and maybe, just maybe, the feather touch of my momma’s hand on my cheek as leaves from my tree.

I’m thankful for my family every day, and in special gratitude, an active awareness and action on Thanksgiving Day I am thankful for my Forest!


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Adventurer in Pearls

Today while driving Sidekick 1 asked me this question, “Why is God taking all of our people right now?”  I didn’t know how to answer her.  It made me feel very sad.  I don’t like posting all things gloom and doom but it has been a very rough month at our house.  We are currently in the process of sending one more very lovely lady to Heaven.  It’s hard not to ask why God is taking all of our people right now.  It’s hard not wonder if there is something that I have done wrong.  It is hard not to question my own strength.  It is even more difficult to watch the ones still here with me grieving and struggling.  The hardest part..is watching others suffer and not being able to help them.

I am personally thankful for all of the time I have been able to spend.  All of the lessons I have been able to learn.  Thankful for the memories, the stories and the time.  The greatest of generations is moving on.  What lessons can we take with us? What can we learn from them to make a better tomorrow?

I just keep thinking of my time spent, and I am so thankful that I spent time with loved ones, eyes open, heart open, and embracing the moments.


This grandma of mine has come to me through marriage.  She is the one and only that I got to meet in my time as a Boxall.  She has brought so much into my life and I feel blessed to call her mine.  She is a woman of grace.  A woman of class.  She is the woman who when I was young I would have looked up to in awe. I still look up to her in awe and hope that some day I can have just a smidgen of her in me.


She was always presentable. She woke each morning and dressed in fashionable clothes.  She kept up with times and ensured she dressed it.  She always had jewelry on and most often a scarf.  Nice shoes and perfectly curled hair. If you really paid attention you could smell her fragrance, always clean, always floral.  Her nails and hair were done weekly and it showed.  She was beautiful, stunning, a woman through and through. Even my sidekick could see it.


She had presence and beauty.  She stood and walked tall.  When she entered a room you saw her.  Beauty and grace.


I loved sitting with her.  She loved having the kids come to her place.  She always complained that it was too small, and she wanted more room. What she would do with more room, I have no idea, but she always wanted it.  I think it was because she was accustomed to things and liked them that way.


She loved having the kids come and play.  She loved to hear their chatter.  She always thought they were the smartest and “so advanced” for their age.  She loved watching them dance and play.  I love how proud she was of my children.  My children were proud of her too.  They love her.  They loved to visit and spend time in her tiny place.  They loved drawing her pictures on post-it’s.  You would think grandma thought they belonged in a museum the praise she gave them.  I am surprised they didn’t end up on her wall.  She had a talent for displaying items as art.


An example…In her room there was displayed a cow bell.  I loved having her tell this story because she would laugh the whole way through. On the night of her wedding their friends took them out for night.  They lived in Yuma, AZ so they were close to the border in Mexico.  They spent much of the night across the border.  She said she danced and had fun but her husband was anxious to get home.  She too, but in her story it was always her husband who was begging to go.  They were kept out the entire night by friends.  She said when they got back home to bed the next morning they laid in bed and found themselves itching.  Their friends had put some powder in the bed that made them itch, so they decided to turn the mattress over.  Upon turning over the mattress they found a cowbell had been securely fastened to the springs in their bed.  She goes on to tell how difficult it was for her husband to get the cowbell off of the bed because it was wired on tight.  She laughs and laughs.  Hanging in her room still to the day is the cowbell and the memory of the wedding night to the love of her life.  I love that sass, that charm.


As fancy as she was she always knew how to enjoy a party.  She loved her Chardonnay.  She also loved beautiful old music. She was funny.  She would make jokes and razz people.  She always made me laugh.  One night when we went to visit and sat to have a talk, she tapped the top of her knees and said, “It’s a girl party, now what should we ladies talk about.”


She had a beautiful home surrounded in my favorite things…real leather bound books.  They were so beautiful and she was so proud of them.  This is just one way we were kindred spirits.  I spent a lot of time with her one week when I went up to check in on her when her daughter was on vacation and we talked about those books in length.  She showed me her favorite and even offered for me to borrow them.  That was a sure sign of trust.  I didn’t, as I knew the love she had for them, but the honor I felt that she would have let me take one of her precious books was something I will never forget.  She told me so many stories that week. I wish I would have written them all down but I was too busy laughing.


She was a top realtor in the state of Idaho.  She worked hard and was really good at her job.  She loved it and wasn’t ready to retire. Her business sense, her understanding of people, and her work ethic made her successful.  She truly listens and watches.  I can’t remember a time that she ever interrupted me when I was speaking. This is a talent and something totally genuine about her.  I would guess that her skills in this area led to her success.  That and her honesty.


She adventured in life.  She is the adventurer in pearls.  She traveled with her husband, she spent time with her family. My husband spent a lot of time with her in his youth and I am thankful for her influence on him.


She is quite the competitor though too.  I saw this in her stories, in the way she lived her life, and in the way she related to others.  She always wanted to “give” the best.  She didn’t realize that she already did.  She gave me my mother-in-law.  She gave me my husband.  Through them my children, one of which is named after her.  Really maybe they both are.  The way she lived her life and her last name.

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I am so thankful for her example.  She showed me that I can be bold and beautiful.  Smart and humble.  Kind to others but care for oneself.  I want to be just like her when I am older.  Lucky for me I have my Mother-In-Law.  A lady rich in class and kindness.  One that I am so blessed to have and lucky to learn from.


So to all you classy ol’ broads.  I know the best!  Take a lesson.

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Old Love

He sat upright in his chair.  Cancer causing pain to pulse through his bones.   If he just held still, he could keep it at bay.  She came to him, aged beauty, and fluffed his pillow.  He patted her hand.  Years of care-taking, years of love.  When he looked at her he saw babies, family, and meals in the kitchen and from a cooler on the mountain.  When he looked at her he felt whole, seeing more now with his heart than his eyes.  She was unwell today.  She was his wife.


His body said there was nothing he could do, but his soul reached for her.  The love in his heart was stronger than the pain crushing him now.  He should call for help but instead he held her hand and walked her to car.  He drove blind to the Doctor.  He was her man. She his responsibility.  This old farmer had one more ride.  One more time to care for his bride.  The cancer made him angry, made him mean, but his heart still pulsed for her and when she needed him most he answered the call.


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The Caregiver

Someone very close to me is going through a very difficult time.  I am seeing things through a whole new perspective-through her.  As a mother, I am given such high regards for the position that I hold. Making a choice to be a “stay at home” mom or to be a full time working mom is most often supported, either way, in public settings.  As a mother, it is understood, when we need to take a sick day, either from work or from friends, to care for a little one who’s feeling under the weather.  It is also understood, when we need to take a break to accept a phone call from school or from the child themselves.  When we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders as we worry about what preschool our child should attend, or how we are going to make it home in time to make a healthy dinner, we are supported, understood, and often praised.  Even taking a moment in the middle of the day to break down in tears from the stress of it all-we are not judged.  For this I am happy.  However, there is another point in our lives, where this same support should still exist, but because of the times of transition, it just isn’t so.

This, is the end of life caregiver.  I am watching as this woman that I love, I will call her Dee, has learned that her mother’s time will be coming to an end on this earth (she is elderly, but I see the correlation with those who are terminally ill as well).  I have stepped up, to the best of my ability, to provide support and love, but I am finding that I am seeing such inadequacies prior to this time.  Dee often calls me, to check on how I am doing, how my children are, and is a sounding board when I am making decisions about their day to day care.  I did not, however, provide the same support to her.  Dee has been the primary care giver for her ailing mother for the past 10 years.  Every morning, her first task was to check on her mother’s well-being.  Not so different from daycare, Dee has been tasked to find and provide the best living environment, with the highest quality staff to watch and care for her.  Just as I, miss opportunities to go out with my friends for a late night dinner because my child is under the weather, she misses traveling to a talent show out of town, because her mother is ill. She is responsible for ensuring that there is food and nourishment, that she is clean, has the opportunity to shop and get her hair fixed and that her place of living is clean and safe.  See the similarity?

She doesn’t, however, get the support and cheers from the world about how amazing she is and she certainly does not get the support and understanding for the weight of the world that also resides on her shoulders.   She doesn’t get the support and understanding that she not only works full time, but is a full time caregiver and needs the same support.  She does not always get the calls of encouragement, or the checking in and sounding board, that I am now seeing she would need. After all, I need it in my caregiver status.  I am stepping in now.  I realize it now. I see it. So my only choice is to do what I can do now.

I am also looking at her situation, Dee as she loses her mommy, and I can’t help but think of my own.  Dee has been given a timeline.  An opportunity for her to say everything she wanted to say, an opportunity to say goodbye. I did not get this.  I have the guilt of things unsaid.  Does that mean that it’s better to know?  I am not so sure.  Dee is starting the grieving process all her own.  Yes her mother is still here, but she has her moments feeling this grief and reacts just the same as I did, when I lost my mom.  Maybe only weeks or months, but still, that is extra time of sadness that certainly affects her life.  It is even more challenging, as her mother is elderly and in these last moments, is not of sane mind.  So everything that she is saying to her mother, the most important things, her mother may not be getting.  These words are only for her.   I do hope they provide her comfort.  I am sure that somewhere her mother is hearing it, just as I am sure my mother does on the other side.

I am sending my support to those end of life caregivers in the world, especially my Dee.  What strength you have, what energy.  I am amazed by you and I hope to do better for those in the future who may need me.  I will call more, lend more support, and cheer them on as they walk the difficult journey.  Cheers..

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