It’s a dreary rainy day outside today.  So instead of being out adventuring we are inside finding things to do.  It makes me anxious.  It makes me miss my mom.  It makes me think about all of the Mother’s Days over all of the years and wonder…do I need her more today than I did before?  Is there a time that our needs lessen or do they just change.

As a child we are unaware of just how much we “need” our mother.  We take advantage of everything just being there when we want it to be.  We don’t realize the sacrifices made.  Yet we need them.  Every day we need them.  For the very most basic life-giving things, we need our mother.  IMG_3528

As a teenager we start to feel more independent.  Like we are actually an adult.  We act as if we know it all and we feel invincible.  We start to act as if we don’t need our mother.  As if we just love them but can make it.  And then, a small act of unkindness and we run filled with tears and fury to the one place that is always consistent, always there.  We need our mother.  Those feel like great big huge needs and they overshadow all of the adult actions we thought we were making.  scan0096

Then off to college.  We are on our own.  Truly.  Our basic needs every day, we take care of ourselves.  We don’t rely upon our mothers for life-sustaining needs.  At least not as we did before.  We are growing up. We are making our way in the world.  And yet, in the quite recesses of our minds when we make the big mistakes, the wrong choices, and even when we do something great or make the right choice, there is our mother in the back of our minds…cheering us on whether good or bad, moving us forward with love.  And again we run to her, in need of our mother.  Still not yet understanding how great her place is in our lives. scan0093

Then we are married.  We call our mom daily for advice.  Our girlfriends seem  to drift ever so slightly away and the calls to them turn, more to our mother than to our social group.  We find that being an adult is not what we thought it was in our teenage years.  We realize that all of those things we thought we could do, so independently are sometimes actually very hard.  In those moments we turn again to our Mother for love and support.  For the whispering of confidence and the outpouring of support.  We start to wonder if maybe she hid her fears and worry.  mwed

And then…It happens…We become a mother.  It is now that we truly understand.  It is now that we thank our mother with a true and honest form of gratitude that brings tears to our eyes and heartbreak to our soul.  Why did we not see this before and tell her everyday all along the way?  So we try to make up for it.  And in every action of our own for our children we see her.  We feel her.  We need her.  We are learning and she did it perfectly so it is to her advice we turn. It is to her we learn.  Our Mother. 100_1239

My story changes here.  I had just begun to tell my mother how much I appreciated her.  I had just begun to understand.  I had only started to say Thank you.  The true thank you from the bottom of my soul kind of thank you that she deserved.  I had only begun.  I had just started learning.  Learning how to care for tiny people.  Care for those people the way my  mother did for me, long before I could even remember.  I needed her so.  I needed her to help me bring my sidekick #2 into the world and I needed her there to teach me.  To help me learn to raise these little ones to be great, kind, loving big ones one day.  I need my mother.  I need her so much sometimes that I feel her void like an angry volcano in my soul.   IMG_3594

And then I wonder, as I watch those I love around me.  What will I do when I am older, my kids are all grown and the house is quiet.  I will surely need my mother then.  I will need her to help me fill the silence. I will need her there to share my love with.  I will need her to have the conversations and to help make sure my dress is just right when my sidekicks are walking down the aisle.  I will need her there to share tears of joy when grand-babies come to play.  I will need her then too.  If I had her then, I would have great big years of memories and won’t those memories just add to my love? Or do they add to the heartache and the missing of our Mother later in life?

I think it is this…we need our Mother.  No matter the stage of our life,of the time we got to spend.  We need our Mother from day one to our very last day.  Mother.

I wish I could tell you today just how thankful I am for you. I wish I could tell you that I see the sacrifices that you made me for me.  I wish I could thank you for all of the fibs you told me just to help keep me happy in a world that is so cruel.  I wish I could tell you I’m doing it right. I think I have this Mothering thing down….most days.  I wish I could tell you just how much you taught me.  I wish I could tell you that I want to be just like you and I’m trying.  I am trying really hard everyday to do just that.  You did good Mom.  You were the very best and I am so thankful for you.  I need you today. I hope you know that.  I need you every single day.

I love you!  Happy Mother’s Day (and Birthday soon!)gscan0115


Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Baseball in Heaven

I just realized that I didn’t share this poem that I wrote for my Grandma Nina.  She was one more great loss in the year 2015. Sure miss that lady.  Her birthday just passed, and baseball is starting so I thought it would be a great time to check in.



Baseball in Heaven

I hope they have baseball in heaven

So she can stay up on her game

She’d talk about players their team and their stats

Their history, their strengths and their name

It’s hard to say who was her favorite team

Because it seemed the she loved them all

Whoever she talked to, their team was the best

And she knew them right down to each call


She watched every game no matter the team

No matter the time of day

New games, yes for sure, and old ones too

It didn’t matter, she’d watch them play

She’d talk and she’d laugh each time I’d stop by

About the latest call

I couldn’t remember the team or the game

But Grandma remembered them all


She was always so giving and always so kind

Her heart would show up on her sleeve

She was patient and caring and through all of this

A great blessing she gave to me

My Mary my step-mom this lady so kind

Who each day I am blessed to call mine

Was raised by this woman and it is in her

That I see how my grandma did shine


She passed on the traits of a person of strength

resilience and kindness shows through

She gave her the gift of love through it all

It’s the journey, and the kind things we do

She showed her that sometimes things will be hard

And unfair and not always kind

But by believing in good, and choosing what’s right

Love and happiness you will find


I’m thankful for her and for what she gave me

As selfish as maybe that seems

I wish I had more memories with her

As a child, or in my teens

All I have of her are as an adult

But I’m grateful for every one

She taught me to listen, and treasure the times

When family is together for fun


For it’s in those times that memories are made

And traditions are often begun

So embrace those moments and cherish the times

For it’s love that makes family one

So forgive and move on and be better still

Say a prayer and always be nice

And remember no matter the culture or time

Have sugar….but also have spice


My baseball loving grandma it’s finally your turn

I know you’ve been waiting so long

To return to the man in the frame on your desk

I know he’s waiting, arms open, in song

I hope that you know that you are so loved

and we will miss you every day

And I know we will see you, and it will be heard

“I love you,” that’s what I’ll say


Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

The Snow Shoveling/Exercise Balance

Piles and piles of snow.  That is what we currently have.


This leads to the following question…

“At what point does shoveling snow count as exercise?”

So I ask you…Is there a line?

For example…

Does one actually have to be the one shoveling the snow? (cause that looks like a lot of work)

And if sweating is a requirement…

Can one instead be in a hot tub with a Bloody Mary watching another someone shovel the snow and it still count?

Asking for a friend….who clearly needs a vacation…on a beach…with a Pina Colada…

I’ll tell her to do that…and maybe some yoga.

Thanks Guys!


Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Dreaming of Beauty…

I look up to the woman before me. With wide eyes I see such beauty.  Her textured hands full of beauty and grace, the small black watch fitted over elegant lifted wrist bones. She smiles at me and it reaches her eyes.  The wrinkles in perfect form on either side of her mouth.  She laughs and it fills my soul. I know behind that laugh is beauty.  It is strength.  It is long searched for and missed in its absence.  It’s her eyes though.  The beauty and strength that show in each and every burst of bright wide blue light.  The presence of love in every tiny pixel.

It’s her hair.  Fixed or unkempt but her color makes me feel joy.  Even when the roots grow a little long, I don’t see them, I just see her and just how she wishes her hair looked every single day.  She has the perfect figure.  It’s soft at times but her hugs are magic.  Healing…happy..wonder. She is class.  She’s beautiful.  Like a magic star in a unicorn sky.  She…the most beautiful woman in the world.  One day…I hope..I pray…I wish…I believe…I can be just like her.

How I feel about my Momma.

How my daughter feels about me.

Genetics are strong…so is love….

Why doesn’t our vision stay the same, unmasked, untainted when focused inward?

Hoping to see what my daughter sees…for me…for my mom…for my daughter…to show her that today and always she is beautiful. A magic star in a unicorn sky.




Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Bon Voyage

2015 is coming to a close.  As I sit to write this now, I thought how hard 2015 has been.  How much loss.  5 grandparents and one very special dog.  Not an easy year at all. But as I sit here now surrounded by my family I realize that 2015 hasn’t been all bad.  We have had some really great things.

1- Sidekick 2 is fully and completely potty trained… That is something right there!!  But on top of that, he was hospitalized for RSV and came home, healthy and happy.

2-Through small opportunities have presented themselves…new jobs that began small but have helped provide greater consistency for our family.

3-Speaking of consistency, it seems this year when I needed that consistency I was able to find it in the never-ending laundry and dishes…right there..that is something. Really it just showed me that I always had my most important!

4-We went to the Master’s Golf Tournament.  A long time dream for my husband and what a great time we had.


5-I completed the Ironman Triathlon.  All that hard work paid off and I made it! Seeing my husband and support crew at the finish line was one of the best feelings ever!


6-Sidekick 1 started Kindergarten and lost 4 teeth

7-I got to run 2 relays with friends and complete one small triathlon with family

8-We had a great camping trip with family

9-We got to fish and boat in our beautiful valley

10-I got to meet Princess Timpanogos up close and personal


11-Sidekick 1 got to see both a baby cow and a baby sheep born…heaven right there


12-I got a special visit from my Momma through the blessings of a Rabbi

13-I found love and support from great family and friends, especially my sisters….

14-I realized I am so blessed.  Even when things are busy and hard, I am so very blessed.

15-I have a lot to look forward to in 2016

Thanks for being a part of it all!



Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Ode to a Good Friend

I saved you.  You came to me full of parvo and covered in lice.  I knew from the moment I saw you, that you were supposed to be mine.  For the next 12 years, you returned the favor.  I had you longer than I should have and yet….it was not enough.  Please know that I am so thankful for you and for all that you brought into my life.  Your great service did not go unnoticed.


  • You saved me at least 4368 times from an attack by the mailman, UPS man, or fed ex man


  • You cleaned my floors after every meal
  • You were so patient and kind with every tiny hand that grabbed your fur
  • You swam with me, loved the water, you would jump from the boat to swim, and on more than one occasion, jumped into my bath


  • We always thought maybe you had an identity crisis and were really a cat.  When you brought me the bird, that cinched it.
  • You once caught someone breaking into my car and saved us, and the neighbors from future terror.


  • You knew I was pregnant before I ever did.
  • You laid by my bed for 12 years.  Sometimes in it, but always by me.
  • You watched over me when I was sick, or sad
  • You lived with me in a car for 3 full days when trying to figure out my better life
  • You loved this lady for more than 50 years.  Happy golden anniversary to you.  She will miss you so much.


  • And this new friend, that you play so well with. I think he truly added life to your years.


  • You watched over my babies.  You loved them and made them laugh. You taught them new things and how to live.




  • You have been my longest companion to date.
  • You have been in my life and a big part of it every day for 12 full years.  And they were very full.
  • The first time I met my future in-laws you gave them a present too, when you took a pair of my underwear out to and left it in the middle of the living room floor. I’d love to say I don’t think they saw it, however, it was kindly covered by a magazine until I could find it on my own later.
  • It was you who encouraged our purchase of leather furniture…you loved playing in the snow, and mud.
  • You loved to play fetch but had a hard time dropping the ball.
  • You loved to play tug and in your early years with your long hair, this often worked to my advantage as we swept the floor.
  • You made sure I never missed the someone at the door, your bark was louder than the bell.
  • You camped with me and loved the outdoors.  You always seemed to find the only patch of burrs in the entire radius of our adventures.


  • You had the best smile (or scariest not sure which, but I loved it)
  • You once got your tooth caught on Stella’s collar…that was interesting.


  • You once alerted us that baby Grace had diarrhea.  You would eat the grossest things.
  • You saved us from unruly throw pillows.  Each and every one met their end, usually when I wasn’t home, and you always left the gift of filling all over the living room floor.
  • You were the worst bone hider ever.  You would pace and stress and it was always still visible.


  • You were the slowest dog I have ever seen to take a treat.  “Just take it….!!!”
  • You could befriend anything and always wanted to.


  • You slept on your back.  All the time.


  • You were my kids best buddy.  You played with them and put up with whatever they wanted you to do.


  • You would stand perfectly when getting your hair cut, but you always hated it when you would get home, you seemed to feel ashamed like you were running around naked.IMG_1499
  • You were my friend.  My buddy.  I will really miss you pal.






End of Watch….December 12, 2015


Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

With Thanks

With Thanksgiving on the horizon I have been making a conscious effort to feel and think all of the many things that I am thankful for.  There are so many things to be thankful for.

I recently heard for the first time a song by Jewel that says:

I am my father’s daughter, he has his mother’s eyes
I am the product of such sacrifice
I am the accumulation
of the dreams of generations
And their stories run in me, like Holy Water
I am my father’s daughter

View Here:

I have had a very hard year.  A year where I found one man standing.  One man, only one human being on this planet that can look me in the eye and say, “I’m glad you are mine.”  I had so many before.  So many that I felt their force so strongly in my life.  A life energy that kept me pressing on to do and be a better person.  It feels quite lonely knowing that now, there is only one.  (even though he is a mighty man and I am so blessed)

And in the loss I have searched for and have found joy.  Sometimes in the places that I least expected it, and sometimes I found it missing in those I would have thought I would surely find it.  I’m learning everyday.  Learning how much it matters to make an active positive impact on others.

Today I am overwhelmingly thankful for those who have done that for me.  The people in my life that make me feel home and connected.  I now have my very own tree with very strong roots. I am thankful for those roots, still present, still strong.  Some living their lives so wonderfully that they bring life and energy to them all.  I am thankful for the roots at the base of our family tree.  Both from my side and my better other half.

I have a very good man to help build the tree and hold it steadfast and strong.  We are solid and strong, connected in support, love and trust. My heart is overwhelmed with thanks.

And my sidekicks, those branches, I’m watching them grow. So amazing. Such joy! I am so thankful.

Sometimes, In the strongest of winds, we will bend ever so slightly in need and find ourselves, our tree, being supported and secured by the family trees around us, that branch from our same roots. Together our trees are strong, together we are a forest.  I am thankful for them too.

I am thankful for the sun, and the water.  That feeds and nourishes our forest and our souls. I am thankful for God and his blessings.

With all of this to be thankful for and so much more, I take moments to listen to the air around me, the whispers in the wind, the stories in my veins and I can’t help but feel, if only I could hear the right wavelengths, there would be voices all around me saying, “I’m so glad your mine, go and do good things, bring joy to others, and share my stories(love),” and maybe, just maybe, the feather touch of my momma’s hand on my cheek as leaves from my tree.

I’m thankful for my family every day, and in special gratitude, an active awareness and action on Thanksgiving Day I am thankful for my Forest!



Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized


I have been showing homes lately as I have recently branched out in Real Estate.  As I am walking homes, I can’t help but imagine myself and my family there as well.  Sometimes I see certain features and think how great it would be to have that in my own home, or what about just a little more space.


I come home though and feel incredibly grateful for the little things.  The comforts, the garage, the sounds,the smells and the familiar pattern that the little feet take and the equally familiar messes that those little feet make.

A few weeks ago I read another blog that talked about a dream home. I wish I could remember where it was to share it here, but she gave some good advice, she said, “Ask you kids, your family, what they love most about their home.”  I had a feeling that when I asked that question I would find that deep down inside I feel the same way.

I did it anyway.  It felt really good to listen to their sweet answers.  They love our home.  Just the way it is.  These little people don’t wish for a single thing more than just what they have.  How blessed…

“I like the stars on my ceiling”

“I like my toys here where you are”

“I like riding my bike outside”

“I like playing games at the table”

“I like eating too”

and some silly things like, “I like that door”, “I like this wall,” “I like my blanket,” “I like my bear,” and “I like our windows”  even though I like those things too.

I realized that these tiny ones are content just where they are.  They get it.  Already…when do so many of us lose this?  They understand right now what is most important-family.  They understand that being together and the small comforts are really all that matter.

They don’t need big crazy things…we may think they do just because they want it.  We may think that it matters so they are comfortable at school and have what their friends have, but I am coming to find with a girl in Kindergarten, they are stronger, more independent and damn smarter than we think they are.  They get this whole big world sometimes better than we do.

I think I am going to take this into daily life.  Whenever I think I need to do or be more, I am going to ask my small ones.  They will keep me grounded.  They will further support my own conclusions that I am pretty lucky and life is good.

You should try it…ask your kiddos what they love most about your home and be prepared to feel overwhelmingly grateful!


Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Fish Lake Relay: Race Recap

Another relay is on the horizon, but life has been busy and I realize, that I have yet to write a recap of the Fish Lake Relay.  We had so much fun as a group and we can tell you what it feels like to barely make it before the time cut off.  We can also share with you what it feels like to be really slow.  What we can’t tell you is how not to have fun when in the company of great people.  I have wonderful friends and for that I feel very thankful.

The Fish Lake Relay is a fun, inexpensive South/Central Utah relay race that is 64 miles and ran during the span of one day.  It’s a great opportunity for you get your feet off the ground in the world of relays and enjoy some beautiful scenery.

As per our usual relay running style, we decided to get all dressed up and go all out.  We decided on a Super Hero theme this year.

11903953_10206558096224766_5174965897425670244_n 11909508_10204928451551547_4746264531766877630_n 11954548_10204928452511571_7466595721082863335_n

We also had the bus to keep us in style.


We laughed and enjoyed the ride.  You start-up and then end going down hill.

It got really hot.


This is the downside of this race.  There aren’t a lot of teams, which is nice, but the atmosphere is lacking. I was missing the fun exchange points and the constant support along the way.  The teams in this relay were pretty serious competitors it seems.  We aren’t slackers by any means, but somehow we found ourselves at the back of the pack.

This is not a race for those just wanted to get out and have fun.  Be ready to compete or feel really lonely.

I am so happy for the crew we ran with, and for our awesome super dad bus driver, but overall, this isn’t my favorite relay.  I think the extra money is worth it…for the atmosphere….somewhere else.  It’s hard for me to say this because I love Fish Lake. It’s one of my favorite places, but there was just so much running on the back of the city roads where the beauty just wasn’t and opportunity was missing up in the mountains where the real magic is.

Here’s a quick video though of my awesome team…we had so much fun as a crew that’s for sure!


Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Where are you Mr. President?

In the last 24 hours I have received word that 4 police officers have been shot and either injured or killed in the line of duty.  My heart is with you, Illinois, Ohio, Louisiana, and Texas.  With the officers family, and his bothers on the line. I am growing weary.  I am tired of feeling fear and concern that my husband will not come home. I am tired of knowing that he is hated because he chooses to defend the good in the world.

Mr. President where are you?  I have heard nothing from you in support of these officers.  I have not seen public address to the people of our country pleading that we all do better.  I have not heard you asking for an end to campaigns that ask for “pigs in a blanket”.  These officers, these men and women, these husbands and wife’s, these brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, fathers and mothers, these humans are your responsibility too.

I am a patriot Mr. President. I love this country.  I have always tried to be respectful and supportive to whomever holds the office of President of the United States of America.  That has included you, but my heart is starting to ache.  You represent me.  You represent each and every individual American.  You are our voice.  You can no longer be silent.  You can no longer make slight remarks that lead others to conclude whether right or wrong that you do not support our police.  These officers are yours.  They are defending the good in this country just as you too, should be.  Speak for them.

Where are you Mr. President?

I see you. I see you in the news. I see you speaking about topics overseas and unemployment.  I also see the following:

I see you publicly shaming Sergeant James Crowley, stating that he “acted stupidly” when he arrested a black Harvard professor. Not only that, but “I don’t know, not having been there and not seeing all the facts, what role race played,” the president said at the time. “But I think it’s fair to say, No. 1, any of us would be pretty angry; No. 2, that the Cambridge police acted stupidly in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home; and, No. 3 … that there’s a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately.” Later you invite Crowley over for a beer and an apology when you learn of your mistakes.  Where were you Mr. President to publicly announce your error?  Where were you to change the path of hatred because of poorly placed judgement without all of the fact?

President Barack Obama, Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Sergeant James Crowley meet in the Rose Garden of the White House, July 30, 2009. Official White House Photo by Pete Souza

(image from:

I have heard you over and over in the past few years use the terms “racist” and “embedded deeply in society.” I have heard you refer to cops as subliminally racist.  From this type of speech and lack of support the number of officers killed in the line of duty as nearly doubled since 2012.  Where are you Mr. President?

In the wake of Treyvon Martin you personalized the entire situation making it entirely racially motivated.  You connected it to law enforcement in ways that it never should have been.  You led the country on a path of self-destruction and anger.  What about those law enforcement departments that were in no way involved, but felt the blame because of your statements.  Where were you Mr. President in support of them?

In the case of Michael Brown you immediately stepped out in support of Brown and his family.  You sent representatives to his funeral.  You said that his death will “stain the hearts of African-American children”.  Why did race become a factor in this at all? Why did you make that happen? What about the officer in this situation?  What about his decision being the right one.  What about his family?  Where were you for them Mr. President?

And the two officers who were shot in Ferguson in midst of the violent protests.  You said the city’s law enforcement practices were “oppressive and objectionable” but there was “no excuse” for violence. Really Mr. President?  This is what you have to offer?  Oh wait, no you did offer more.  You said, “Whoever fired those shots should not detract from the issue — they are criminals, they need to be arrested, and then what we need to do is make sure that like-minded, good-spirited people on both sides — law enforcement, who have a terrifically tough job, and people who understandably don’t want to be stopped and harassed just because of their race — that they are able to work together to come up with some good answers.”  Supportive?  I think not. Where are you Mr. President?

In the wake of the Eric Gardner case in New York instead of supporting your own courts you instead offered a statement that included, “This is an issue we’ve been dealing with for too long and it’s time for us to make more progress than we’ve made. I’m absolutely committed as president of the United States to making sure that we have a country in which everyone believes in the core principle that we are equal under the law.”  Where was your support for the courts, for your officers?  Where are you Mr. President?

During the Baltimore Riots you encouraged “soul-searching”.  You didn’t stand up.  You didn’t support good in the world, you very nearly openly supported the bad.  Where are you really Mr. President?

After the death of Office Brian Moore. “that sense of unfairness, powerlessness,  of people not hearing their voices, has helped fuel some of the protests we have seen in Baltimore, Ferguson and right here in New York. the catalyst of those protests was the tragic death of young men and the feeling that law is not always applied evenly in this country.”    Mr. President you are making excuses for the guilty.  You are not supporting the innocent.  You are not supporting our officers.  Mr. President WHERE ARE YOU?


(image from:×357.jpg)

It’s time Mr. President.  It is time for you to be the voice of the people.  All people.  It is time you step out in support of our police officers and start trying to put an end to the violence and hate.  Supporting the mission of the violent will not help our country rise and be great, the way it once was.  The example that you are provided for the youth in our country is despicable.  You are the President of the United States of American.  You claim status as an African-American man.  There can be no greater show of a lack of racism in a country as a whole than that.  Therefore, continued racism is an individual problem, not a country problem or a police problem.  You are fueling this.  You are causing this.  Step up now and do the right thing.  Try…Mr. President.  Try to protect our Police Officers.  It is your duty to our country. I’m waiting on your police specific public address.  This week of all weeks.  This deadly week in Law Enforcement a public address in support is warranted.

Where are you Mr. President?

I’m waiting.





Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized